Sick

 I am so tired. I took some days off work and all I did is sleep and then more sleep. I had my time of the month visit and it was the worst. Maybe it was due to the hormones or maybe it was just pent up unresolved feelings but I have never felt so lonely and sad.

I wasn’t always a sick child but I was cursed with a sensitive stomach. Food poisoning is pretty much routine and cramps are horrendous when it’s time of the month. Whenever I got sick, my mother would scold me. Since I was not prone to fever, I would often get the worst high fever for a whole day and recover by the next day. By worst I meant couldn’t get up by myself or anything worst.

Ah I’m getting sidetracked. I was so used to doing things by myself, it never register to me to ask for help. Whenever I’m sick, I was expected to drive myself to the clinic. I would never ask my mother.

Once, I had a very bad food poisoning and my head was pulsating and everything was spinning. I didn’t make it to the bathroom and vomited everything in the living room. I felt better but then I was dead asleep because of the fever. I was woken up not to go to the clinic but to be scolded at for getting sick and was unable to drive the whole family to a wedding. I just went back to sleep because my heart was broken and I was also sick to death. 

Or even better when I was bedridden for a few days, also dead but I still had to drive myself to the clinic. The only person who was worried and attending to me was the maid. It wasn’t even her job but still I was eternally grateful to her. At least I wasn’t completely alone by myself.

I happened to came across a scene in a kdrama when I was still a teenager where this woman was down because of her cramps and she was alone by herself but this ajumma found her and put on oil and rub her tummy so she could feel better. I felt for the woman. She must have been so lonely. But I also learnt a valuable lesson to rub my tummy when I have my cramps. 

There must have been other incidents that I somehow don’t remember residing somewhere in my brain. But whenever I fall sick I would remember that day in my head. Like the woman in that scene. I feel sorry for myself. 

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Gold

I was never a fan of jewellery. It just never made sense to me. The only thing I came close to wearing one, it was gifted and of course not even legit gold. I ended up with rashes on my neck and that probably how I never liked jewellery.

A lot of things didn’t make sense because of poverty. I had no money so I didn’t bother with interests. I barely had enough to support myself. I thought of making a post to what extend how broke I am referring to and to what lengths I reached in order to make it. But it will be an elaborate post and I just don’t feel like it.

I don’t remember when did I realized exactly how my sisters and I were excluded in receiving anything because we are viewed as well off. It’s funny how people tend to forget who they were talking to and just spill the tea without any probing involved.

I realized most of friends, relatives etc had at least one gold bracelet on their wrist. Gifted by parents or bought themselves, it didn’t matter. When I found out my late grandmother’s jewellery was passed on to all my cousins. It didn’t really click at all. That we were excluded. Maybe my other siblings got some, we’ll never know.

I never understood why I wasn’t given anything. Then I remembered my mother bought me my first gold bracelet which I treasure and brought with me everywhere but didn’t have the guts to put it on. When I finally did, it was lost. In Sogo no less. By the time I realized, my wrist was empty and I searched everywhere, I cried not because it was gold but because my mother gave it to me. 

Anyway, it was a long time ago and I never bought any until recently. Last year, I thought I should spent my money on something valuable instead of stupid shit. So I bough a bracelet and I didn’t wear it. It just didn’t suit me. I felt like I made it look ugly.

Then I bought another one and I tried wearing it. Truthfully the trauma of previous lost still haunts me. But this one seems to stay. What I am a fan of most is rings. I LOVE RINGS.

I have two in mind. 

And of course this LOTR ish ring.

I don’t know why I buy jewellery still. But my end goal is this ridiculously expensive necklace with a ring on it which I don’t even remember it’s name. 

I love shopee for making things easier to buy stuff. I bought everything online and lucky enough to not get snubbed yet. Hopefully never. Pray that I’ll get this necklace and nobody buy it first. It’s mine yall. I knew the moment I found it online. And I always get what I want. Here’s me in memoji form.

 

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Good

 I’m a bit pissed I did not bring my keyboard with me. I really hate typing on touch screen but my switch is out of battery and my ipad is down as well. All I have left is my phone and my kindle but I don’t feel like reading at the moment.

I feel like I should talk about the two men in my life that have shaped up most of the good parts within me, my grandfathers. My grandfather on my father’s side is the most loving and kind and fun and chill person I knew. He was the bomb. I love him so much. He passed away when I was 12 years old and I can still remember everything that happened that day.

He was a very pious man. But he was not like other pious men, yes I am biased but whatever. He introduced God in a way nobody can. Every time we went over to his house, he would either be sitting on the porch chilling or he was in the middle of reciting the Quran. But my most favorite moment with him was whenever he was about to perform his prayers, he would ask all his grandchildren to come along and do it with him, do we feel like we are obliged to do so? Nope. As far as we were concerned, it was time to meet God and somehow it was fun because we get to do it with him. 

He was a very good storyteller. He can come up with the most absurd story but it was always fun. His dream was for all of us to go to heaven and reunite there. Big dream, I know but he made it sound so simple. Every time we part ways, we would kiss our goodbyes and hugged him and he would always tickled us with his beard. Whenever I thought of when was I felt the most loved, I would think of moments I spent with him. He cemented my faith in God and I never forget that.

My grandfather on my mother’s side was similar but he is different in a way that he is very discipline. He is firm in his decisions and he is smart. I wished I was as smart but hahaha. I aspire to be as responsible as he is. I worked hard to be smart so that I can show him when the results came out. He was always on my side whenever I made trouble. Hehe. I would sit on his lap while he was watching the news because I love him so much even though the news were not at all interesting. He showered me with books and I was grateful for it because I can never actually afford it and half of my knowledge came from the books he gave me.

Last but not least, is my father. I rarely talk about him. He’s actually smart and very practical. He is a very good cook and he can clean anything. He is ridiculously funny for no reasons at all. He is now on the road to become my late grandfather. He has a lot of other qualities but I like to not talk about him as much to maintain the mystery. 

My personality came from all these people because at one point of my life, these people play a major part in it. I took the good qualities and try my best to emulate them. In truth, all of us want to be good aren’t we. But I went a different route. I save the good parts for certain people. I hide the good parts and I let people think what they want to think. Guess that’s why people kept fucking me over. But I don’t regret anything. Am I hypocrite? I like to think am not. I am myself all the time. The good and the bad, it’s all me. Perhaps sometime I tend to exaggerate the bad but I feel like it’s a necessity. Better to get fuck over now than later no? People do have a tendency to compare things and only chose the good ones. Like that saying that goes sometime people like to pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you. 

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