I didn’t bring back my keyboard and it sucks typing on screen. After numerous attempt of writing how broke I was, I still failed at doing it. It’s always refreshing how you can see in people’s eyes how they think how privileged you are, how nice, how easy. I never bothered to contradict because people only see what they want to see at the end of the day. It can come from people you know very close, including your own family members.
My childhood was stripped away from me. I have little to no recollection of my teenage and early 20s years. There must be a lot of pain. That’s why I can’t remember. People’s mistake often made about me is how I have never struggled financially. Big family, big house, this kid is set for life. Nope. I had no savings and no allowance by the time I finished high school.
I went into matriculation because of the whole fucked up upu system, just because there is a guaranteed rm250 monthly from kpm. My parents did not give me money. Sometimes yes, but rarely so. That’s why for 1 year of matriculation, my diet consist of maggi alternating flavors.
I went to university and secured myself a study loan which made me graduated with a debt on my head. I survived those days with 1 meal per day and 1 sweet drink that will make me feel full even though I didn’t eat. Most of my money was lost on transportation costs and study related purchases. I barely have enough to eat as it is so I will stock up on frozen food so it will last longer. Once I fell sick and I couldn’t afford to go to a clinic because it will cost me at least rm60 minimum, I persevered with the coughing fit and refused to even buy meds, it took me 2 weeks to recover from coughing. Thank God it’s not pandemic season at the time.
My body type made my suffering invincible. Because I have curves all over, even though I am malnourished, I was never skinny. This means I have never suffered to other people. Towards the end of my studies, I was severely depressed that I didn’t eat. I wanted to pull out from the university but it will cost me more money. I was grateful at the time that I didn’t eat made me have a little money for future use.
After I graduated, I landed a job at the place I did my internship. The salary was the same as my allowance I received from my study loan which was rm700. Most was also lost on transportation and again I was unable to save money but alas we need to be grateful because I have a job and most of my friends didn’t.
How come right. How the fuck is that possible. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about me living in those days. Such loneliness and tiredness living day by day. How different we both are now. When I went into the operating theatre on a wheelchair pushed by the nurses, I tried to reflect on how I was feeling at the time. Which was nothing. I have accepted the fact that in this life, nobody is going to hold my hand. And it’s better to have nobody than to have one dangled for you but ended up pulling theirs because they decide it’s not worth it.
I will continue not correcting people. But the impact of living like that traumatized me for life. And having to be the firstborn made me a target on the receiving end for such crisis.