Del

 After much contemplation and consideration, I am ready to write this down. If I have to be honest I am still a bit reluctant. But fuck it. That’s the motto this year. 

There is a secret to my resilience and detachment. What I lack in social skills, I found it in books. I learn people’s ways, feelings, how to read between the lines. Good things, good stuff. That’s what fairy tales are mostly made of. To cushion kids before life sucks everything out of you. I have always admire confidence, especially in women. I never understood why princesses need to be saved. Hell yes, Mulan have always been my favorite Disney princess. 

I want to be a strong, driven person. But I lack everything I need to be one. I was shy and quiet. I think too much and too long and often decided against in speaking about anything. I break in sweats every time I need to make a call or to speak to someone. Presentations was the hardest most difficult thing in my life during my study years. I almost quit during my final year because the supervisor I was assigned to was ridiculous and I didn’t know how to rebel. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I was also dealing with a bunch of other stuff emotionally. There was a brief period when I was under tremendous stress that my brain would just shut down and I just can’t breathe. 

But that’s not the point of this story. The point is, I like nicki minaj and cardi b. Haha. Jk. 

Ok. If I was to single out my weakness that would be feelings. I trust too much, care too much and love too much. Because that’s what made a good character in books. That’s how I was. I used to think that was the only good thing about me. Sadly, it was the thing I hate the most. Because it made my life shitty. Feelings, is something I used to associate with being weak. Not proud of it. But that’s how I was raised to be. No crying or expression of feelings. Nobody is going to entertain/console you.

I got better at hiding it. I can weep silently somewhere for a few seconds and then I’m done and back to business like nothing ever happened. But feelings is such a bitch sometimes, you can’t control it when it’s gonna come and go. I was the kind of person who thought that I should not apply scholarship because it meant I would be taking someone else’s place who is much more worthy and in need of it compared to me. I was in no such place to be thinking about other people’s place. I was broke as fuck with no support. That was before I understood the system’s workings and the social standing it gives to someone who got a scholarship. It was something to be proud of.

I took so much emotional damage because I thought I deserved it. Until one day, it broke me as a person. Some one like who I used to be cannot survive this world. Since I always knew the kind of person I want to be, I needed to become her. Things I learnt and the pain I felt was all too raw. The loneliness I felt being with people that were supposed to protect and love me was suffocating me. Instead of running away from it, I embrace it. Every night when I am alone in bed, I would put on my earphones and play a sad bgm I can relate to the most. When I close my eyes, my brain would replay every action, every words, every promises that broke me into pieces. In those memories, I see myself and I analysed and thought where did it go wrong. Was I a fuck up.I prayed to God every day to take the pain away. 

I understood then that to love is to constantly be in fear. That I can only love in one way and how it differs from everyone else scared me. I ended up being a different person after that. I became the person I’ve always wanted to be. At the cost of torturing myself to death every night. So every time, someone says I wish I was more like you or I am a strong. I just froze. It irks me. Because it made me remember what I had to endure like it was nothing. I like to think there is two parts that make my whole entire being. One, is who I am now and the other who I used to be who I made to sleep. Sometimes when I lay in bed, I think about those painful days and how much I can’t remember. Those are the good days. On bad days, I slip and I would remember in fragments and I can see myself in those moments. It doesn’t hurt as bad as it used to be. There is only a glimpse of sensation of the pain. But it’s enough to hear my old self crying in pain saying how could they do this to me.

Happy fucking birthday to me. You made it alive this year mate. Cheers.

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 I didn’t bring back my keyboard and it sucks typing on screen. After numerous attempt of writing how broke I was, I still failed at doing it. It’s always refreshing how you can see in people’s eyes how they think how privileged you are, how nice, how easy. I never bothered to contradict because people only see what they want to see at the end of the day. It can come from people you know very close, including your own family members.

My childhood was stripped away from me. I have little to no recollection of my teenage and early 20s years. There must be a lot of pain. That’s why I can’t remember. People’s mistake often made about me is how I have never struggled financially. Big family, big house, this kid is set for life. Nope. I had no savings and no allowance by the time I finished high school.

I went into matriculation because of the whole fucked up upu system, just because there is a guaranteed rm250 monthly from kpm. My parents did not give me money. Sometimes yes, but rarely so. That’s why for 1 year of matriculation, my diet consist of maggi alternating flavors. 

I went to university and secured myself a study loan which made me graduated with a debt on my head. I survived those days with 1 meal per day and 1 sweet drink that will make me feel full even though I didn’t eat. Most of my money was lost on transportation costs and study related purchases. I barely have enough to eat as it is so I will stock up on frozen food so it will last longer. Once I fell sick and I couldn’t afford to go to a clinic because it will cost me at least rm60 minimum, I persevered with the coughing fit and refused to even buy meds, it took me 2 weeks to recover from coughing. Thank God it’s not pandemic season at the time.

My body type made my suffering invincible. Because I have curves all over, even though I am malnourished, I was never skinny. This means I have never suffered to other people. Towards the end of my studies, I was severely depressed that I didn’t eat. I wanted to pull out from the university but it will cost me more money. I was grateful at the time that I didn’t eat made me have a little money for future use.

After I graduated, I landed a job at the place I did my internship. The salary was the same as my allowance I received from my study loan which was rm700. Most was also lost on transportation and again I was unable to save money but alas we need to be grateful because I have a job and most of my friends didn’t.

How come right. How the fuck is that possible. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about me living in those days. Such loneliness and tiredness living day by day. How different we both are now. When I went into the operating theatre on a wheelchair pushed by the nurses, I tried to reflect on how I was feeling at the time. Which was nothing. I have accepted the fact that in this life, nobody is going to hold my hand. And it’s better to have nobody than to have one dangled for you but ended up pulling theirs because they decide it’s not worth it.

I will continue not correcting people. But the impact of living like that traumatized me for life. And having to be the firstborn made me a target on the receiving end for such crisis. 

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GG

 I’m supposed to be sleeping. But my body clock is all over the place. Maybe it’s actually my body telling my brain something is wrong but like everything else, it won’t listen. I achieved so much these 2 weeks. But to me it is just another day.

I dragged myself to a dermatologist. Not because I have a problem but because I felt like maybe I should pampered myself a bit. It was the most expensive looking clinic I have ever been. I felt out of place just by being there but I am not the old me anymore. Out of place is normal. I understand now why rich people have such nice skin. They have money to do all these. It was costly but worth it. 

I won a lucky draw that entitled me to receive four treatments worth 3k. It was the first time I had ever won a grand prize in anything. The first thing I did when I won was nothing. I didn’t tell anyone in particular and went home to sleep. I had learnt in the past that sharing my winnings means nothing, eventually that realization took away the joy that comes with it. 

I do find relief in cleaning. All I do is clean. Yesterday, it turns out the sink has been leaking all these while and it ruined the whole cabinet. No wonder it was suddenly fully infested with bugs and what not. It means I can’t use the sink at all. A kitchen makeover would cost me at least 15 k and my heart sank with all the small joys I have been collecting.

Last night, the annual cycle performance result came out. In the meeting my bosses congratulated and wished me well. I have managed to get a raise and a bonus. They commented how I have no response because I have no idea what to say. I don’t feel like telling anybody.

Today, to trick my mind into celebrating, I cleaned the house. I removed all the stuff from the cabinet although I have no idea when I am able to have it redone. I went down to sort out all the trash and recycle stuff that has been piling up. 

Doing the kitchen means I have to let go my dream of buying this house back in hometown. Tsk. Always within reach but never accessible. Sometimes I wish someone would just buy me a house and all things are settled. I can’t even get a decent expensive gift from anyone let alone a house. Hahaha. Some people live simpler lives and some are just built different, I guess.

I thought coming back here I would be more exposed to the sunlight. Pale is just not my color. I should try to sleep now and think about how to proceed later. Bye.

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Rambles

 My tummy hurts. Fml.

I have been drowning myself with work and housekeeping. But my house is a mess because I am currently a mess. Of course, I found other stuff to drown myself in like watching almost all videos of HoneyJube on Youtube. Apparently Daiso’s and Ikea’s stuff are all the craze in my head right now. I wish I can go now and buy everything so my house can be ultra organized. 

I tried to find some peace in all this mess. What are the chances right. 

I wish everyone can speak as freely and honestly as they can. So that I won’t have to waste my time. I have no self-control these days. Is it anger or is it sadness? I have no idea. 

Is it me then. Am I the problem. Am I so unlikable, unlovable that people just find ways to fuck me over. 

I read Nozoki Ana. What started out as a peeping fetish turns out the story actually went somewhere. I want what they have. I’m glad I read it till the end. Don’t read it now though, it’s fasting season and you don’t want unfiltered boobs during the day. 

This has been all over the place kind of post. But this is pretty much how my headspace is at most times. I need to sleep. Maybe it will be a bit quieter since my tummy still hurts. It always remind me of a scene where two people hated each other but one fell sick due to cramps and the other still came through and spent all night rubbing her tummy to make it go away. I don’t remember which kdrama was it but I remember how touched I was watching that scene. Such warmth. Korean ajummas be hitting it different. 

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Sick

 I am so tired. I took some days off work and all I did is sleep and then more sleep. I had my time of the month visit and it was the worst. Maybe it was due to the hormones or maybe it was just pent up unresolved feelings but I have never felt so lonely and sad.

I wasn’t always a sick child but I was cursed with a sensitive stomach. Food poisoning is pretty much routine and cramps are horrendous when it’s time of the month. Whenever I got sick, my mother would scold me. Since I was not prone to fever, I would often get the worst high fever for a whole day and recover by the next day. By worst I meant couldn’t get up by myself or anything worst.

Ah I’m getting sidetracked. I was so used to doing things by myself, it never register to me to ask for help. Whenever I’m sick, I was expected to drive myself to the clinic. I would never ask my mother.

Once, I had a very bad food poisoning and my head was pulsating and everything was spinning. I didn’t make it to the bathroom and vomited everything in the living room. I felt better but then I was dead asleep because of the fever. I was woken up not to go to the clinic but to be scolded at for getting sick and was unable to drive the whole family to a wedding. I just went back to sleep because my heart was broken and I was also sick to death. 

Or even better when I was bedridden for a few days, also dead but I still had to drive myself to the clinic. The only person who was worried and attending to me was the maid. It wasn’t even her job but still I was eternally grateful to her. At least I wasn’t completely alone by myself.

I happened to came across a scene in a kdrama when I was still a teenager where this woman was down because of her cramps and she was alone by herself but this ajumma found her and put on oil and rub her tummy so she could feel better. I felt for the woman. She must have been so lonely. But I also learnt a valuable lesson to rub my tummy when I have my cramps. 

There must have been other incidents that I somehow don’t remember residing somewhere in my brain. But whenever I fall sick I would remember that day in my head. Like the woman in that scene. I feel sorry for myself. 

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Gold

I was never a fan of jewellery. It just never made sense to me. The only thing I came close to wearing one, it was gifted and of course not even legit gold. I ended up with rashes on my neck and that probably how I never liked jewellery.

A lot of things didn’t make sense because of poverty. I had no money so I didn’t bother with interests. I barely had enough to support myself. I thought of making a post to what extend how broke I am referring to and to what lengths I reached in order to make it. But it will be an elaborate post and I just don’t feel like it.

I don’t remember when did I realized exactly how my sisters and I were excluded in receiving anything because we are viewed as well off. It’s funny how people tend to forget who they were talking to and just spill the tea without any probing involved.

I realized most of friends, relatives etc had at least one gold bracelet on their wrist. Gifted by parents or bought themselves, it didn’t matter. When I found out my late grandmother’s jewellery was passed on to all my cousins. It didn’t really click at all. That we were excluded. Maybe my other siblings got some, we’ll never know.

I never understood why I wasn’t given anything. Then I remembered my mother bought me my first gold bracelet which I treasure and brought with me everywhere but didn’t have the guts to put it on. When I finally did, it was lost. In Sogo no less. By the time I realized, my wrist was empty and I searched everywhere, I cried not because it was gold but because my mother gave it to me. 

Anyway, it was a long time ago and I never bought any until recently. Last year, I thought I should spent my money on something valuable instead of stupid shit. So I bough a bracelet and I didn’t wear it. It just didn’t suit me. I felt like I made it look ugly.

Then I bought another one and I tried wearing it. Truthfully the trauma of previous lost still haunts me. But this one seems to stay. What I am a fan of most is rings. I LOVE RINGS.

I have two in mind. 

And of course this LOTR ish ring.

I don’t know why I buy jewellery still. But my end goal is this ridiculously expensive necklace with a ring on it which I don’t even remember it’s name. 

I love shopee for making things easier to buy stuff. I bought everything online and lucky enough to not get snubbed yet. Hopefully never. Pray that I’ll get this necklace and nobody buy it first. It’s mine yall. I knew the moment I found it online. And I always get what I want. Here’s me in memoji form.

 

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Good

 I’m a bit pissed I did not bring my keyboard with me. I really hate typing on touch screen but my switch is out of battery and my ipad is down as well. All I have left is my phone and my kindle but I don’t feel like reading at the moment.

I feel like I should talk about the two men in my life that have shaped up most of the good parts within me, my grandfathers. My grandfather on my father’s side is the most loving and kind and fun and chill person I knew. He was the bomb. I love him so much. He passed away when I was 12 years old and I can still remember everything that happened that day.

He was a very pious man. But he was not like other pious men, yes I am biased but whatever. He introduced God in a way nobody can. Every time we went over to his house, he would either be sitting on the porch chilling or he was in the middle of reciting the Quran. But my most favorite moment with him was whenever he was about to perform his prayers, he would ask all his grandchildren to come along and do it with him, do we feel like we are obliged to do so? Nope. As far as we were concerned, it was time to meet God and somehow it was fun because we get to do it with him. 

He was a very good storyteller. He can come up with the most absurd story but it was always fun. His dream was for all of us to go to heaven and reunite there. Big dream, I know but he made it sound so simple. Every time we part ways, we would kiss our goodbyes and hugged him and he would always tickled us with his beard. Whenever I thought of when was I felt the most loved, I would think of moments I spent with him. He cemented my faith in God and I never forget that.

My grandfather on my mother’s side was similar but he is different in a way that he is very discipline. He is firm in his decisions and he is smart. I wished I was as smart but hahaha. I aspire to be as responsible as he is. I worked hard to be smart so that I can show him when the results came out. He was always on my side whenever I made trouble. Hehe. I would sit on his lap while he was watching the news because I love him so much even though the news were not at all interesting. He showered me with books and I was grateful for it because I can never actually afford it and half of my knowledge came from the books he gave me.

Last but not least, is my father. I rarely talk about him. He’s actually smart and very practical. He is a very good cook and he can clean anything. He is ridiculously funny for no reasons at all. He is now on the road to become my late grandfather. He has a lot of other qualities but I like to not talk about him as much to maintain the mystery. 

My personality came from all these people because at one point of my life, these people play a major part in it. I took the good qualities and try my best to emulate them. In truth, all of us want to be good aren’t we. But I went a different route. I save the good parts for certain people. I hide the good parts and I let people think what they want to think. Guess that’s why people kept fucking me over. But I don’t regret anything. Am I hypocrite? I like to think am not. I am myself all the time. The good and the bad, it’s all me. Perhaps sometime I tend to exaggerate the bad but I feel like it’s a necessity. Better to get fuck over now than later no? People do have a tendency to compare things and only chose the good ones. Like that saying that goes sometime people like to pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you. 

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