Thursday, 19 January 2017



There are so many things going on in my head right now. I haven't slept. For good though, I'm trying to adjust my biology clock, so I'm a bit high right now. If you're accustomed to frequently not sleeping, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I just want to say things I don't normally get to say in real life because something is wrong with me. Okay.

First, I think I failed my Immunology paper. I am convinced of it even. That I can't even hope to pass. But like my best friend always say, miracles happen. 

Second, I'm a miserable human being. As if I haven't established that before. It has gotten worse and I didn't tell it to anyone. I did horrible things in the past, I guess being miserable is just payback for what I did. Embracing it while having a nervous breakdown occasionally is still okay guess.. I'm still here aren't I.

Third, my heart broke in a way that I don't know how to fix it. So I ignore it when I can, that I eventually forgot about it. So I have nightmares now. Whatever, I'm still ignoring it.

Fourth, I'm scared. I don't know how to feel anymore. Scared, is a feeling right. That's the only feeling I can feel these days. I forgot how to love, how to.. well, to feel in general. Sometimes, I pretend to laugh along with my friends when actually I don't feel anything.

Fifth, I hate people. I don't want to talk to anyone. It makes me uncomfortable and my words always come out tangled. My god, I even forgot how to 'human'. Going out, eating out especially ordering food makes me anxious. 

There. 5 things nobody knew. 5 things I kept to myself.
If you knew me in person and you read this, if somehow you'll find it confusing, disturbing, weird. It's okay. It's okay to think that. The reason I don't talk about it with anyone is not that I don't have anyone. I do have my circle of people but I have problems sharing this part of me with them. Nobody likes a sad miserable person. Nobody.

The exhaustion is finally getting to me. I need sleep. 
I'm driving back home to Kedah one of these days. I just need to sort myself out first before going back. I need to be okay to go back. *sigh

I'll try to write more often.


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