Thursday, 28 April 2016

Late Night Rambles And Stuff

Salam..

I survived my final year project's presentation. Can you believe it? Not totally unscathed though. I suck at talking in public......well, talking in general really. =_= Am totally glad that it's over though... I am not at all excited about starting the project.. I'm a bit down these days. I guess my friends kind of noticed it and they left me alone, except for a few. In fact, we're going on a trip this weekend because of me. How thoughtful aren't they? I can't really say no.. I feel bad.

Anyway, I came across something online and it made me want to cry. 

Truth is, I want to be attached but I just can't seem to let go of my solitary life. There is this guy, a friend of mine, we've been friends for years and he is really nice to me. He was talking about something and halfway through, my mind went elsewhere. Physically, I'm there but.. I'm a bad person aren't I ? 

They say true love is unconditional. I see all kinds of love being true. It's either they love you or they don't. I guess that's my definition of love. It's stupid, really. I wish I was really heartless so I won't care that much. I wonder if.. things aren't the way they are right now.. Would I be happy? Maybe I won't, that's why things happened. 

I think, when you're always alone, you will understand yourself better. You know what you want, what you need, what you are willing to do. Those things.. I fear that if I were to show my real self, they would turn away from me. It scares me most to lose people. All these trials and obstacles He has put me through has taught me this:

People have flaws. They can hurt you. Because they are not perfect. And so are you. I love my family. I love people that is in my life. I really do. I cannot abandon people just because they hurt me. I can't just leave because they broke my heart. Yes, it does make me feel pathetic at times and there are plenty of times where I want to just walk off but... I can't leave. Then I would be just like the people who left me. I know myself better than anyone. If I'm going to settle for anyone, he must be really worth it. 

Once, I left someone at a bus station because he was being annoying about something so little, it pissed me off so I just walked right out of the bus station and left him there alone. Of course, the situation got worse and the argument got bigger afterwards. I shouldn't have done that, I know. Nobody knows this, I don't think he does either. Right when I walked out, I stopped and I went back in. Like I said, I am pathetic. 

If people think I'm being choosy then fine. Because I don't think I am.

To settle with someone means I have to let go of my solitude. I can't have my family as my first priority, they have to fall second to him. I'm going to have to watch everything I do, everything I say and I can't do as I please because I belong to him. If his heart is not whole then I'll patch it up and make it whole again (No idea how but I'll figure something out as always). This guy must have a lot of guts to be able to actually want to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm not easy to handle. I can get bat shit crazy sometimes but it'll pass.

I don't say this out loud to people. You know why? Because then they will go, "Wait till you get married,""Aaah, you're still a kid" etc. With a gloomy face or a smirking face while they say it. I'm not living in a fantasy land where there is prince charming who is drop dead gorgeous and perfect and loving and all that. I know it's hard. I know it's not going to be easy. I do appreciate all the negative vibes y'all been giving though.

I'm sacrificing a lot to be with this person. Of course, I will make it work no matter what. You fix things when you have problems with it, not throw it away when you can't find ways to fix it. Do you get what I mean? Do you see why it's hard for me to say yes? I hope there is someone who is going to accept me as I am. Who is not going to look at me like I don't belong here and leave. 

Now just let me be with my animes, games, books and everything else that makes me happy. Stop asking stupid questions like who I'm currently with when you know there's no one. I'm not going to commit just because I'm lonely. It's a waste of time and it's tiring to start everything all over again. 

I'm not saying I'll reject people who's interested though.. I don't know why guys tend to freak out when I say let's be friends first. And there's another thing that I don't understand, they tend to ask about ex-es and then get jealous about it. Like wth is that. 

I need to stop. This post is getting way too long. Oh and to my friends that read this blog, please know that my phone is not working. I need to change to a new phone, I know but I'm broke right now. I'll probably change my number when I decide to change my phone (when I got money lah, maybe next year). I'm available online though and I got me Ipod to save the day. So just email me cuz I always check em, dyanaismanu213@hotmail.com or just im me on FB. I'm sorry.

And.. please pray for my grandmother, she's going to have an operation this coming weekend. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer but she's holding on strong. :)

Gotta go. May peace be upon you.




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